Comedy Central Presents: Panchito and Puss
by Nothing Really Specific
Summary: A parody of three things. "Panchito: Season One", "Rise to Momentous Occasions" and "Comedy Central Presents". Panchito Pistoles and Puss in Boots do a comedy bit at a comedy club and are...well, just read it. It's supposed to be humorous, so don't take any offense. Rated M for Maturity: You Must Be Able to Take Jokes about Yourself and Be Able to Laugh At Yourself.


**Comedy Central Presents: **_**Panchito and Puss**_

_**A parody of "Panchito: Season One"**_** and**_** "Rise to Momentous Occasions"**_

**as well as**_** "Comedy Central Presents"**_

Sequel to "Call It What You Want"

**REMEMBER:** THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE HUMOROUS. THE AUTHOR **DOES NOT CONDONE** **THE USE OF THESE JOKES.** THEY ARE NOT MEANT TO OFFEND ANYONE. IF ANYTHING IT'S MAKING FUN OF THE CHARACTERS THEMSELVES, **NOT** THE CULTURES THEY COME FROM. I** DON'T WANT/INTEND TO OFFEND ANYONE.** THAT ISN'T THE POINT HERE. (I'm just covering all my bases) **Anyway, enjoy. Please review! :)**

**Rated M for a reason**

Setting: A comedy club. Full house

Characters: Panchito, Puss in Boots, Man Having Sex, Woman Having Sex, Random Person, Random Woman (Wife of Random Person), Man in an Ugly Sweater, Stage Hands, Announcer

###

Announcer: Ladies and Gentlemen, Comedy Central Presents, (elongated vowels) Panchito and Puss!

Panchito and Puss walk onto stage

On stage there are two stools, and two bottles of water, one for each of them

###

Panchito: Bienvenidos amigos! I'm so glad you guys could come and make it out tonight to see our show.

Puss (pulls out middle finger, lifting his head, his eyes wide and excited, his smile huge, he looks like a ticked off rock star whose image is to screw the world): Fuck you!

Panchito (turns to Puss): Really, that's how you're going to start us off, with a (fingers the audience) fuck you to the audience?

Puss (smiles): I have a sentence for you

Panchito: Really what?

Puss: I'm Puss in Boots and I don't give a fuck (flips off audience)

Panchito: Stop flipping people off (flips off audience) some people find it offensive

Puss looks at Panchito's finger, it's still up in the air

Puss: Um-

Panchito: What? (puts it down, only to quickly put it back up)

Audience laughter

Puss (smiles): Nothing

Panchito and Puss look at the audience

Panchito and Puss: You know what I hate the most more than anything in the world?

(at the same time)

Panchito: Spaniards

Puss: Mexicans

Panchito and Puss: They're fucking disgraceful. Drug dealers, pot smugglers, rapists, cotton pickers who take people's jobs, roofers that take people's jobs, landscapers that take people's jobs, always asking where the Home Depot is, where the Lowe's is. Every time you see them they speak Spanish and you don't know what the hell you're saying, but you're an honest American and so you're polite and nod your head say "yeah" and "uh-huh" they smile and think that they're making friends. That's another thing, they're gullible as hell. They believe anything you say. Hand them a paso or whatever the hell they call money, but since they don't have any, I guess it really doesn't matter, and they'll fall to your knees (both fall to their knees and extend hands as if in church) and say Hail Mary praise the Lord for this generosity! They're gullible fuckers. They're country is a shithole too. Their food is shit, their water literally is shit, every place that stupid fucking country smells like shit. There's really no point in either country existing. The people there are either brain dead or retarded to stay in that plague invested, economic crisis stricken country that has a dark and evil history. In short, I hate everything about them

Panchito:Spaniards

Puss: Mexicans

Panchito and Puss: I'm so glad that I don't know any

Panchito: Spaniards

Puss: Mexicans

Panchito and Puss: Because if I did then I would

Panchito: Give them a passport

Puss: Fuck the wife

Panchito looks at Puss

Panchito: Really?

Puss looks at Panchito, smiles, and flips him off

Panchito: Dude, there is something seriously wrong with your head!

Puss: I'm diagnosed

Panchito (looks at audience): I'm sorry folks, he's a little screwy in the head

Puss: And you're fucking screwy (twerks)

Panchito: Stop it (shoves Puss away)

Puss: Don't pretend that you don't do it, I saw you just last week with a woman, you were acting like you were trying to break the world record for air humping (air humps the air rapidly and provocatively). You were like Jesse Owens, you know if he were a sex machine

Panchito: I don't know if that was a complement or an insult.

Puss: You're a racist bastard if you say it's an insult or a creeper if you say it was a compliment.

Panchito: You screwed me over on purpose didn't you!

Puss: Correction, I fucked you over on purpose, you're seriously fucked now

Panchito pauses

Puss: Well say something! (smiles slyly)

Panchito (turns to Puss): You're an asshole you know that

Puss: Eh, I try

Panchito: You're also a narcissist

Puss: How so?

Panchito: You're constantly looking in the mirror, like fucking Vanity Smurf, are you gay too? You must be because you like licking your dick. Anyway, you're always smoothing out your fur and making sure that every single strand is exactly three inches long.

Puss: You don't know that-

Panchito: Actually I do, because you told me the last time you were drunk

Puss (chuckles): I'm always drunk Panchito, which (air quotes) last time?

Panchito: Ten minutes ago

Puss: Really, how come I don't remember that?

Panchito: Because you were fucking wasted!

Puss: I was?

Panchito (nods): Si, you were swinging from the rafters, thinking that you were a bird (flaps his arms a bit), you fucking landed on a key grip and cut off his ear, saying 'For Skyrim!' like it was the ending of the fucking world! (Imitates Puss screaming, running around like a drunken idiot) Seriously, you thought that for a second, John Lennon was pissing on you, so you told him to stop.

Puss (surprised and laughing): Did I seriously do that!

Panchito: Yes, you did

Puss (smells himself): Um, why do I smell like piss?

Panchito: Oh because I pissed on you

Puss (giving Panchito the death stare): You what! (grabs the roosters neck)

Panchito: Well, I sort of did, I was high, what could I say

Puss: On what?

Panchito (counting on his fingers): Cocaine, Speed, Marijuana, some caffeine pills, pain killers, and some random stuff I picked up from a guy

Puss (lets Panchito go): A guy? Who?

Panchito: I don't know, but he said his name was Bubba Jim

Puss: Bubba Jim? (pulls out file and starts filing his claws for no reason)

Panchito: Yeah (starts to sway back and forth and yawn) hey Puss

Puss (still filing): Si senor?

Panchito: Catch me okay, I'm going to pass out

Puss (looks at Panchito): Gottcha

Panchito passed out on the floor, falling backwards

Puss sighs and puts file away

Puss whistles

Stage hands enter

Stage hand 1: Yes Puss, do you need something?

Puss: Yeah, a dumpster

Stage hand 2: What for?

Puss: Ratings

Stage hand 1 and 2: Sure thing

Puss: Gracias

Stage hands leave

Puss sighs again and stares out at the audience

Puss: Well, while we're waiting for that let me tell you how much I fucking _love_ my best friend Panchito (clears throat, picks up bottled water, opens it, takes a drink). First off, he's my bitch. He does what I say when I say. I'm the pimp in this relationship as they say. (Takes a drink of water, leaning against the stool causally the whole time) I tell him to get me a beer, he does. If there's a gentlemen who's being a dick or a lady who's being a whore and they just so happen to drive me crazy but I'm too lazy to deal with them I have Panchito do it. Why? Because I am the patriarch. The Don of the Mob. The fucking leader. You don't go against me. Why? Because I just that badass, I have the looks, the charm, the sword of submission. I am the object of his affection, mostly because I saved his life. It was a piano, typical cartoony situation I know, but these stupid things happen every now and then. Like a retarded idiot, listening to fucking hipster music of all things. Whoever listens to Ellie Goulding in the morning is either insane or twelve years old. There should never, ever be a man, a full grown adult listening to that bullshit, that techno pop shit that's so "new". It sickens me. Anyway, he was listening to it, so loudly that he fucking didn't hear me call his name to warn him. I was walking behind him, literally three feet away from him, screaming his name. I had to fucking grab a megaphone. A fucking megaphone- that didn't even work. So I pulled his shirt just as the piano was falling. He turned around, asked me what the hell I was doing. "There's a fucking piano falling you fucking idiot, stop listening to that shit and move your ass!" I said, like I say to all people who are oblivious to their surroundings. Seriously, try it out, nine times out of ten it works, the tenth time you'll end up getting slapped in the face, but you can always slap them back. But never a woman. Ever. If a woman slaps you in the face, it means only one thing. You are the new bitch of the relationship. You submit to her, apologize, save her life, and become her bitch.

Stage hands enter with the dumpster

Stage hand 1: Where do you want it?

Puss: Anywhere

Stage hand 2: Want anything else?

Puss: Put the rooster in there

Stage hand 1: Yes sir

Stage hands put Panchito in the dumpster

Stage hand 1: Anything else sir

Puss (nods): Yeah, get off my stage, and take him (points to dumpster) with you!

Stage hands quickly get off the stage and leaves with dumpster

Once stage hands leave, Puss takes a drink of water

Puss: They're my bitches too. I'm the pimp in this relationship

Puss takes another drink of water

Puss: So anyway, I saved his life and ever since then he's been my bitch. For Halloween, I told him to dress like a hooker and stand on the street, just to fuck with people. It worked, he actually got a few tips. (Pauses and smiles) And a few STD's. But he's a faithful dog. A gullible, stupid, dog, but a dog none the less.

Commotion is heard back stage

Puss groans

Puss: Whoever is making that noise can go fuck themselves! (Turns back to audience) But seriously folks, I do think the world of Panchito. He's always there for me. You know how it is. One time (smiles) we were in a bar. (Laughs) He was so fucking high, I mean like, he was flying around the air and making fighter jet plane noises, fucking Snoopy high. I was laughing my ass off because he was making love to a beer glass. I have the video up on YouTube, seriously look it up, subscribe, "I Can Be Your Pussy", corny and stupid I know, but hey, the internet is full of that shit. (Takes a drink of water)

Commotion is heard back stage, the sounds of love making, a box spring mattress going up and down

Puss groans

Puss: Well you fucking stop!

Voice of a Man Having Sex: Too late, it's already hard

Puss: How long is this going to take? Because you're really pissing me off!

Voice of a Man Having Sex: Um, oh I don't know three, maybe four hours?

Puss rolls his eyes

Puss (stares at audience): Lo siento folks, I've got to take care of this (pan around to everyone with his eyes). If anybody moves, I'll kill you all and burn you at the fucking stake. You can take me out of the 16th century but you can't the 16th century out of me type of shit.

Audience laughs

Puss: I'm not fucking with you, so don't fuck with me

Audience laughs again

Puss flips them off

Audience laughs

Puss roll his eyes and walks back stage

The lovers can be heard back stage

Knocking

Voice of Man Having Sex: Go away

Knocking

Voice of Man Having Sex: Tie on the door

Knocking

Voice of Man Having Sex: I said fuck off!

Sound of a door being kicked down

A sword unsheathing

Slice

Screaming

Voice of Man Having Sex: What the hell! You cut off my dick!

Puss: Eat it you motherfucker!

Voice of Man Having Sex: What?

Puss: I said eat it (aims sword at man's throat) mother (digs the sword deep in the man's neck) fucker!

Woman Who was Having Sex With the Man: Fuck off man, leave us alone!

Puss: Go home, this one has fucked his last. Now, eat it you piece of shit!

Voice of Man Having Sex: Fuck you!

Panchito enters the stage

Panchito hears the commotion

Panchito (looks at audience): Is he back there?

Audience nods

Panchito (smiles): Oh good Well, while we're waiting for that let me tell you how much I fucking _love_ my best friend Puss (clears throat, picks up bottled water, opens it, takes a drink). First off, he's my bitch. He does what I say when I say. I'm the pimp in this relationship as they say.

Slicing and dicing sounds

Panchito: (Takes a drink of water, leaning against the stool causally the whole time) I tell him to get me a beer, he does. If there's a gentlemen who's being a dick or a lady who's being a whore and they just so happen to drive me crazy but I'm too lazy to deal with them I have Puss do it. Why? Because I am the patriarch. The Don of the Mob. The fucking leader. You don't go against me. Why? Because I just that badass, I have the looks, the charm, the guns of submission.

Screaming, fights, throwing objects, are heard

Man: I'll see you die!

Puss: Bring it on you fucker!

More fighting sounds

Panchito looks back towards back stage

Panchito groans

Panchito: Can you keep it down Puss I'm telling a story!

Fighting stops

Puss: Hold on for a moment will you?

Man: Sure

Puss: Gracias (bows and enters stage)

Puss peers his head onto the stage

Puss: Are we being too loud?

Panchito (looks back at Puss): Yes

Puss: Oh, sorry, we'll try and keep our noise level to a minimum

Panchito: You do that

Puss: Okay (puts up the okay sign and walks back stage)

Panchito (turns towards the audience): Now, as I was saying, I am the object of his affection, mostly because I saved his life.

Man (whispering): Where we being too loud?

Panchito: It was a piano, typical cartoony situation I know, but these stupid things happen every now and then. Like a retarded idiot, listening to fucking hipster music of all things.

Puss (whispering): Yeah, we got to keep it down, he's telling a story to the audience

Panchito: Whoever listens to Ellie Goulding in the morning is either insane or twelve years old.

Man (whispering): Oh, should I walk out and apologize?

Panchito: There should never, ever be a man, a full grown adult listening to that bullshit, that techno pop shit that's so "new". It sickens me.

Puss (whispering): No I don't want to disturb him any further

Panchito: Anyway, he was listening to it, so loudly that he fucking didn't hear me call his name to warn him. I was walking behind him, literally three feet away from him, screaming his name.

Woman (whispering): Well now I feel guilty

Panchito: I had to fucking grab a megaphone. A fucking megaphone- that didn't even work. So I pulled his shirt just as the piano was falling. He turned around, asked me what the hell I was doing. "There's a fucking piano falling you fucking idiot, stop listening to that shit and move your ass!"

Man (whispering): Yeah me too, but I don't care, you're going to die

Puss (whispering): Let's dance motherfucker

Panchito: I said, like I say to all people who are oblivious to their surroundings. Seriously, try it out, nine times o ten it works, the tenth time you'll end up getting slapped in the face, but you can always slap them back.

Quiet smashing of objects is heard. Soft punching and hitting are heard

Panchito: But never a woman. Ever. If a woman slaps you in the face, it means only one thing. You are the new bitch of the relationship. You submit to her, apologize, save her life, and become her bitch.

Man (whispering): You'll make a fine rug cat!

Panchito (takes a sip of water): So anyway, I saved his life and ever since then he's been my bitch.

Puss stabs Man with his sword

Man quietly screams

Panchito: For Halloween, I told him to dress like a hooker and stand on the street, just to fuck with people. It worked, he actually got a few tips. (Pauses and smiles)

Puss (whispering): Take an arrow to the knee you fucker

Panchito: And a few STD's.

Woman Who was Having Sex With the Man (whispering): Oh my god, you killed him!

Puss (whispering): That's right toots, the fucking beast has been slain, and I have saved you! So

Sheathing sword

Puss (whispering): What are you doing after the show

Panchito: But he's a faithful dog. A gullible, stupid, dog, but a dog none the less.

Woman Who was Having Sex with the Man (whispering): Probably the same thing I did during the show

Puss(whispers): Well (removes hat and bows) I can (laughs) be your pussy if you to

Woman hits him softly

Woman (whispers): Fuck you

Puss quietly walks back onto the stage

Panchito looks back at him

Panchito: Why were you backstage?

Puss: There was a mouse

Panchito: Oh, did you catch it?

Puss: No, he got away

Panchito: Oh, did you do the part about the internet and the Cinci Reds?

Puss: I was just about to get to that

Panchito: Oh good, why don't you do it then

Puss: Alright

Panchito looks around, zoning out a moment

Puss clears throat

Puss looks at audience

Puss: You guys know what happened back there right?

Audience nods

Puss (motions to Panchito): Idiot?

Audience nods

Panchito (turns to Puss): what?

Puss: Nothing

Panchito: Did you start it yet?

Puss: I was about to geez! You're worse than my mother!

Panchito: You don't have a mother Puss

Puss (flips Panchito off): Fuck you! (clears throat) Now, one of those things that never seem to amaze me, the internet and that amount of bullshit on it. Wikipedia is a lie. Anyone can edit it, seriously. The site has no credibility.

Panchito: Si, just like you

Puss flips Panchito off

Panchito laughs

Puss: One time I edited Thomas Edison's Wikipedia's page to "was a major douchebag and was a fucker" I seriously did. It's still there too. But it's true though! When I edit things, like Wikipedia, or porn, I mean, music videos I put on YouTube, I put some truth to it.

Panchito: Si, your sex tapes are very revealing and educational about your reproductive system and how it concedes with the human counterpart. It's very interesting and I recommend that-

Puss: Panchito

Panchito: Si?

Puss flips Panchito off

Panchito laughs

Puss: Thomas Edison was a douche, a fucking horny douchebag. Nikola Tesla (takes off hat) was a man worth talking about. A man worth teaching about in schools, and workplaces. And that is not bullshit. That's the truth. (Pauses)

Panchito (coughs): No it's not

Puss: Yes it is

Panchito: No it's not, my history teacher told me that Thomas Edison was a great man

Puss: Then you're history teacher was a kind of a bullshit artist.

Panchito: Mel Brooks' reference, really?

Puss: Fuck you, (looks at audience) the point is, Thomas Edison was not great, he was a douche, he stole from people. Now, he was a great business man, I will give him that, but he was indeed a douche, and anyone who thinking that Edison was a morally sound person is a fucking douche.

Panchito: Um-

Puss (looks at Panchito): Yes Panchito, you are a fucking douche

Panchito (whispers): Fuck off

Puss: Ditto. Anyway, that's my philosophical bit shit.

Panchito: So now you're Dr. Seuss now! Geez man be original!

Puss (sighs): What part of fuck you don't you get! Fuck you means (twerks, humps the air, makes provocative hand motions, and pretending to punch Panchito, he ends this with his paws, acting stereo knob, 'turning up' the middle finger)

Audience cheers

Puss turns and bows

Panchito: What! He just insulted me!

Puss gives Panchito the finger again

Panchito: I'm not standing this from you!

Puss (stands and looks at audience): Ditto, now, Every comic seems to have those. I am a comic? No. Should I be? Maybe. I don't know, I'm just a fucking foul mouthed cat who doesn't give a fuck. That's right, I don't give a fuck.

Panchito: About anything but you

Puss (turns to Panchito and nods): About you, (turns towards audience) about anyone, anything, and everything. I am the biggest asshole I know, (points to Panchito) besides Panchito. That's another thing about my friend the rooster. He's an asshole.

Panchito: Hey, I'm right here dude!

Puss: I know, and you're an ego-centric bitch who puts other people in danger for no reason. Like one summer, we were just hanging out, watching some baseball and drinking beer, so really just drinking beer because who really watches baseball. (Takes a drink of water)

Panchito: I do

Puss: No you don't

Panchito: Yes I do, I just so happened to be drunk in this story

Puss: You're drunk in every story I tell Panchito

Panchito: That's not the point, I like baseball

Puss: If you watch baseball get the fuck out because you're about to get offended real quick. Anyway, so we were drinking and (air quotes) watching the "Cincinnati Reds", but again, who watches those guys, anyone?

Panchito raises hand

Puss (rolls his eyes and groans): Besides Panchito?

Puss pauses for a moment, waits for someone to raise hand.

Random person raises hand

Puss looks over, smiles, bows head

Puss: Bienvenidos, are you enjoying the show?

Random person: No

Puss: Fuck you

Panchito (shocked): Puss!

Puss (to Panchito): Fuck you too (to random person) you're the only Cinci fan besides this bitch (points to Panchito) over here right?

Panchito's face gets heated

Panchito: That's it!

Panchito grabs pistols and spins them

Puss (sighs): Un momento por favor

Random person nods.

Puss turns around, removes his hat and does the kitten face

Panchito sits there for a moment, not moving

Puss droops his ears, begins purring, and his eyes start to water

Panchito (groans in annoyance and rolls his eyes, he puts his guns away): I hate it when you do that. Fuck you man

Puss returns to normal, flips Panchito off and puts on his hat

Puss looks back at random person, next to random person there is a woman

Puss points to her

Puss: Wife?

Random person and woman nod

Puss: Both Cinci fans?

Random person and woman nod

Puss (flings the finger): Fuck you both then.

Puss: Anyone who loves baseball can fuck themselves over. It is a useless sport. There shouldn't be a sport that ends in 0-3 as the final score. If this is the case, the that sport is stupid and dumb. Name me one sport that has 0-3 final score that is exciting, one!

Pauses

Man in an Ugly Sweater raises hand

Puss: Si senor?

Man in Ugly Sweater: Hockey

Puss and Panchito laugh

Puss: Hockey senor, is baseball's cold cousin.

Panchito: Si, where are you from?

Man in Ugly Sweater: Canada

Puss and Panchito look at each other

Puss and Panchito: That explains a lot then

Man in Ugly Sweater: Fuck you! (flips them off)

Puss (as if surprised): Ohh! (looks at Panchito) You just got fucked by a Canadian!

Panchito (turns to Puss): What no, he flipped you off (flips the audience off, but to quickly put it away)

Puss (laughs): No he did it to you (flips the audience off only to quickly put it away- this continues after every line in this manner)

Panchito: Did not, he was looking right at you!

Puss: No one flips me off, if anyone is going to flip anybody off, it's going to be directed at you

Panchito: Why does it always have to be me?

Puss: Because, unlike you, I don't give a fuck. You're my bitch

Panchito: I thought you were my bitch?

Puss (laughs): Really, what made you think that?

Panchito: The Christmas Party last summer?

Puss: There was no Christmas Party last summer Panchito! Why would there be a Christmas Party last summer!

Panchito: We were celebrating Mattress & More's Christmas in July sale

Puss: Oh yeah, I remember that

Panchito: We made a bet to see who could get the better deal on a queen sized mattress, and for the first time in your life you lost.

Puss: The only reason you won was because you killed the guy

Panchito: I still won though

Puss: And I'm the dark and mischievous one?

Panchito: Fuck you, there a lot of things you don't know about me

Puss: Like what?

Panchito: Like how I plan on ending this show

Puss: We still got fifteen minutes left

Panchito: Fuck that, I'm tired, I'm hungry, and I want to go home!

Panchito and Puss stop flipping the audience off

They both turn towards the audience

Panchito: And so we end our scene with an memory

(Panchito takes a step back)

Puss: An image you'll most likely see again

(Puss takes a step back)

Panchito and Puss (backs away slowly): But just in case you don't, here's a gift, from me and my friend

Panchito and Puss flip the audience off

Panchito and Puss leave the stage

Audience stands and cheers

Panchito and Puss re-enter stage, bow, and leave again

###

End Scene


End file.
